The USA is a strange place

In my mythical, barely extant homeland of Australia, buying insurance is simple – it happens in but a few ways:

• One makes zero effort and calls their loan provider who offers to sell them an overpriced insurance product with the loan provider’s branding attached, exploiting the integrity of their brand whilst fucking over the customer and collecting a trailing commission
• One makes slightly more effort and signs up for whatever insurance their preferred supermarket chain provides whilst earning a Flybuys or Woolworths Rewards points multiplier and being fucked over whilst basking in the glow of a trusted brand that regularly asks their frontline employees only what level of grit they’d opt for in the lubricant about to be used as they bend over
• One uses a comparison service that offers “ease”, “promptness” and “online service” only to receive a phone call from someone who would much rather be out with their friends as they regret their choice to fill the role they’re in as they’re regularly asked to answer the “why” when the promises posited in the advertising blurb are not met
• One realises that basically every provider is underwritten by IAG or Allianz and goes direct to one of those sods

In the US, things are…different…

I’m calling to verify your information

This puzzles me greatly. I found a well-reviewed insurance comparison site and filled out a form that captured all of the following:

• The construction date of my house
• When my house last had a roof replacement (that’s another subject for a future post)
• My previous military service obligations
• Whether or not I’ve engaged in attempting to brainwash people in Africa on behalf of some bloke named Jebus (I wish I was joking)
• My personal particulars, including details that could be used to obtain credit in my name
• What particular activities I perform within my abode (they’ve all got a thing against my baking technique)
• Where the nearest fire hydrant is (if only there were a way to determine this via publicly available information…)

I am presented with a “Thank you” page.

Said page does not foreshadow that which is yet to come.

Immediately after hitting submit, before the confirmation page has finished rendering, the calls begin. My phone immediately started ringing. I’m told that the experience as I describe it is comparable to that of a female gamer entering an Xbox lobby and mentioning the fact that she is a vagoo owner.

The phone call is almost completely redundant given the form that has been filled out. It goes something like this:

• Hello, I’m an actual human person named Generic Human calling on a recorded line regarding your insurance inquiry.
• <Insert EVERY SINGLE QUESTION ALREADY ANSWERED> being asked again
• “Please wait whilst I connect you to our licensed agent”
• <Transfer to licensed agent goes to voicemail, or would if said voicemail inbox wasn’t full>
• <Call is terminated>
• <Repeat – multiple voicemail messages deposited during each answered call>

I thought that my multiple exposures to the above experience was some sort of apparition of ineptitude that was not common, but I was about to be very surprised.

And by surprised, I mean simultaneously disappointed and amused.

Let’s go direct…

So I tried going direct to a few insurance providers. Surely their digital presence would be better positioned to provide superior customer service than a comparison site seeking a trailing commission, right?

Right?

Oh how wrong I was!

There are three categories that the results of requesting an online quote for insurance fall into:

• Sorry, after filling out 10 different web forms we cannot offer you insurance for reasons we don’t think we should share with you. But we’ll continue to send e-mail advertisements to you, snail mail to your mailbox, and have humans call you demanding that you provide all of the same information again before handing you off to someone who asks the same set of questions before giving you the same “we can’t help you” response.
• Here’s our price for insuring your property – thanks for giving us enough personal data to frame you for importing Vegemite into Mexico. And then humans start calling one’s mobile phone, asking why one hasn’t accepted their quote and offering to go over the details again to uncover discounts that their online presence didn’t consider. When responding to said calls with, “This is a waste of my time – fix your web forms so they collect the additional information please”, the response is, “This will be worth your time!” When said time is invested and the price provided is still too high compared to my current option, no admission of incorrectness or compensation is offered.
• Thanks for providing all of your information – we cannot provide you with a quote online. Please call 1-888-FUK-YALL.

So going direct isn’t much better…

It gets worse

Here in the US, insurance isn’t typically sold by a company, but rather sold via an “agency” – someone who is a reseller. They basically take the customer service cost off the hands of the insurer, promising to be an advocate for those insured when working with those who provide insurance…even though their income is contingent on those providing the insurance. 

There’s a conflict of interest there, however I’ve tried explaining this to those who continue to call me and am convinced that there’s some reality distortion field involved here. I’ve attempted to obtain said field for my own evil purposes, however the requirements are akin to joining Amway and Scientology on the same day so I’ve opted to pass.

As I needed to ensure that my abode and automobile was insured, I acquiesced and obtained a policy, and then received some very strange calls.

• “How is your policy going? Any concerns?” – This is very strange, as no claims had been made, no price changes had occurred, and I had not requested any changes. 
• “Our agency owner would like a Zoom meeting with you to discuss your future needs and changes – when can we make that happen?” – this was a call that could have been an e-mail. When I asked for the specific asks to be made available via an e-mail, the gasp I heard was akin to that of a mother being told her son is lazy whilst said son is building a house for orphans with their bare hands.

And then there are those who did not win my business continuing to call or otherwise contact me:

• Three unanswered calls in the space of three minutes, followed by an SMS message stating, “UltimateArsehole?” – no details as to what they want to discuss.
• A voicemail left by another insurance agency, with the completely irrelevant words, “Hi, it’s Generic Human from Inept Insurer – call me!” – again, with no details
• E-mail messages with quotes that are far in excess of my current premiums (that were previously communicated), followed by phone calls demanding my time to “save money”

TL;DR – the insurance industry is broken

I have no idea how this can be so hard – as amusing as I find this set of ridiculousnesses, it has given me some ideas for new techniques…coming soon!

Every now and then, I decide to test the employment market and hone my questionable interview skills.

I’ve had many wonderful experiences whilst doing this, made many friends and even become employed once or twice!

Alas, then there are the other experiences…

A disclaimer

I have had the privilege of working with many excellent internal recruiters across many companies. So many of you in the internal recruitment space are overworked, underpaid, underappreciated but still 6 different types of awesome.

Alas, there is a group of McFucks that contribute only detriment. They need to do better and to be instructed.

So, with that said…

Recruitment Agencies

These are the accepted modern equivalents of pimps – seeking to sell you to an interested party whilst taking a percentage of what you end up earning should the employer they’re pimping you to decides to pay for your services.

Although many do attempt to prepare and coach candidates for such wonderful encounters, the percentage they are awarded tends to increase with position seniority. As a result, the wankier your LinkedIn profile is, the more likely you are to be accosted by someone who claims to be very impressed with your experience after greeting you with “Hello <FIRST_NAME>!” and their demonstrable inability to use LinkedIn’s features properly.

These overtures tend to fall into one of the following categories:

My friend recommended you to me…

This is seemingly a newer “tactic”, designed to break through the grizzled exterior veterans have developed after dealing with the pimps of the industry. The overture starts with “My friend <insert name I’ve never heard> recommended you for a position I am trying to fill. Please send your current resume to <some Yahoo!/GMail/Outlook.com e-mail address>!

Inevitability, the mouth breathers who try this tactic are after your LinkedIn network and/or meeting some bizarre quota their equally-inept managers have arbitrarily imposed for contacts, new connections or volume of verbal flatulence. 

In terms of counter-tactics, I’ve found that the following tend to provide amusement:

• “Really? I definitely don’t know your friend!” – this tends to result in “Well, now that we know each other, let’s connect!”. Asking “Why? What’s in it for me?” tends to result in hilarity.
• “Sorry, I no longer consider that person a friend after they walked in on me having sex with their mum – the fucker didn’t even knock, and I don’t care it was at their house! You should still knock before barging into the shitter!”
• “Tell your friend he still owes me $250 for that orgy in Pattaya. I hope he’s ok – he swore that rubbing toothpaste on his cock would protect him from STIs.”

You’re awesome, and I’m sure you have awesome friends in the industry

This one fucks this Arsehole off beyond all belief, and is incredibly common. 

As this Arsehole is now 142 years old, he apparently has experience and skills (if only they knew the truth!).

For some unknown reason, this seemingly translates into this Arsehole knowing a great many professionals who are all desperate to have their time wasted by IT pimps who won’t even offer to give you an option other than sleeping in the wet patch.

The messages typically take a form that shares the stench of this assemblage of word-shaped things:

Hello Arsehole!

I have an exciting opportunity with Fluffers for Step-sisters Stuck in Dryers LLC!

Your experience is very impressive and I don’t want to assume that you’re looking for new opportunities right now but thought that you might know people that are interested in making a change. 

Please send me their details so I can connect!

Namaste

This is another attempt for said flesh-trafficker to expand their network in the hope of earning 20% or more of a person’s first year compensation whilst contributing nothing other than their questionable personality.  

As I love my friends dearly (we’ve been over this before – suspend your laughter at the idea that I have friends who are none of imaginary, paid for or cats), so I should advocate for them appropriately.

So I do:

• “I’d be happy to inform my friends and colleagues, however I’d need to have total compensation and benefit details to do so.” – most fail to comprehend this question, making statements of “Base salary is $X and there are RSUs and benefits”. When asked for clarification, they typically respond with, “If there’s someone you have in mind, give me their details and we’ll talk”.  They don’t tend to enjoy my reiteration of a requirement for clarification.
• “Do you have a referral program?” – this is wonderful. Someone who is paid on commission asks for introductions, but typically finds sharing any amount of their commision to be offensive.
• “Here are my remuneration requirements” – this typically results in “Oh, we can’t meet that – how about your friends?” Responding with “Why would I be so unkind to my friends?” typically results in pleadings regarding the culture of the company, which are demonstrably irrelevant.

Other LinkedIn detritus

This category is perhaps the most pathetic.

You work at <Insert big company name here> – we can help you solve your problems!

When asked that said problems be specified, said aggressor tends to retract, diminish and beg.

We can reduce your spend on <product X> immediately! Let’s have a meeting!

This is akin to my previous posts – asking the aggressor to quantify the level of spend reduction results in questions as opposed to clarification.

TL;DR: LinkedIn is a bit of a McFukt place. And I’m loving it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is going to be a long post…

So, I decided to buy a car…

And that was wonderful for 2 reasons in that I now have a car and I have a new verdant source of scammers to hone my craft on.

Here in the US, insurance is bizarre in comparison to my homeland – there are multitudes of “agencies”, which equate to a few people signing up as resellers of an actual insurer and hammering your inbox, mobile device and snail mail orifices with pleadings for consideration.

I am convinced, and some of the locals have confirmed my suspicions, that many of these agencies and/or insurance companies leak information more rapidly than an Australian bogan leaks liquid excrement after drinking the local tap water against all advice to the contrary whilst holidaying in the runoff of an abattoir. 

So after committing to obtaining an automobile, I needed to obtain myself some insurance to protect against the litigious nature of the world, and that’s when the “fun” started.

Mildly intelligent IVRs

For those who don’t know, IVR is a TLA for “Interactive Voice Response” – an overbuilt Dell PC feeds you prerecorded and/or generated voice responses after accepting key tones or  attempting poor voice recognition.

I’ve had 37 calls in the last month from such devices attempting to “talk” to me about my insurance choices, with the opening line being “we’ve received some of your auto information”…

These are fairly easy to spot, with the most popular approach seeking to collect personal information for nefarious purposes in the same way that a ’90s adventure game attempts to direct you through a dialogue tree until you finally assemble whatever joke the writers were attempting to make.

That said, there does seem to be a way to eventually be escalated to a real human so you can let them know how you feel – just give them a name, date of birth and Social Security Number.

As long as it isn’t yours – feel free to pick and choose.

Unfortunately, the window for inflicting trauma on these awful persons is limited and fairly high effort

Alas, these bastards leak as well! Which leads me to…

Mildly unintelligent humans

This category covers a few areas:

• Extended car warranty
• Loan refinancing
• Insurance pleading
• Legal representation after accidents

So, in turn…

Extended car warranty

This is akin to a sod named Shayden (because their bogan parents could not stop arguing about the merits of the names Shayne and Jayden) attempting to sell you an extended warranty for your entry-level TCL TV for 50% of the price of the item itself after failing to convince you that you needed a $200 HDMI cable to facilitate your masturbation.

Well, it would be if the persons involved were mildly as capable as Shayden.

These calls all go the same way, and it is hilarious.

Some poor fuck tells you that your extended warranty is about to expire on your 2011 Tundra, 2014 Tacoma or 1986 Virginity.

The bestest example of enjoyment I have to offer here features no profanity, exposing belief to reality or sending a collection of my pubes to the caller.

As the caller said, “Hello, I’m calling about the extended warranty on your 2014 Tacoma. How much miles does it have on it”?

In response, being the considerate Arsehole I am, “How many miles?”

The scammer did respond with, “Yes, how much?”

Alas, the scammer knew not who they were speaking to – “No, I’m not asking for clarification, I’m correcting your pathetic command of grammar.”

There was crying and a breakthrough. As that happened, I hung up and went off to raise another chargeback against an airline.

Loan refinancing

Robots

The robocalls I’ve heard in this regard would be more comprehensible if delivered via a Theremin.

“Hello – we can reduce your auto payment. Press one to talk to our advisor.”

Those calls tend to go away before long, but the humans do not.

Humans

“Hello, this is Candy Diabetes calling on a recorded line about your auto loan refinancing to connect you to our loan officer as we can reduce your rate! Can you tell me about your loan and interest rate?”

Poor Candy…

After asking Candy about what rate she can offer me, she insisted that I can only receive said information after detailing my current situation to her and then speaking to whichever Kraft Cheese bootlegger she’s in cahoots with.

Upon uttering, “Candy, you’ve stated you can reduce my rate but then have backtracked upon your words – this is not a wonderful start to our relationship”, various things happen:

• Admission of “I’m just doing what the script says”
• WHY WON’T YOU TALK TO OUR LOAN OFFICER SO I CAN EARN MONEY?!?
• We beat you British in 1983 and we’ll do it again in 1997!

Plenty of fun can be had in the US insurance space. 

Just not by those working in said space…if I’m involved.

Legal representation after accidents

The fun that can be had….

Just tell the caller, in extreme detail, that you can only orgasm whilst your mother sucks you off as your father has a camera pointed at your face whilst you’re expelling your bowels off a diving board.

Of course, this is an introductory example and you can obviously do better!

 

 

 

 

We all have experienced the awfulness of businesses demanding that we engage them via telephonic means to resolve an issue caused by the business in question. And we have all heard the generic IVR greeting that somehow navigated the slalom of focus groups, legalese enthusiasts and managers that stated that our words were potentially subject to digital immortalisation. 

Alas, the word may is a misnomer – your call will be recorded. The statement you heard as the call commenced isn’t false, however it is terribly dishonest:

Your call may be recorded for quality and coaching purposes does not exclude your call being recorded for any other of a multitude of purposes. Your call will definitely be recorded for legal and business purposes – semantically this happening is completely consistent with the message you endured as a customer upon calling to ensure that the particular form of fuckery that some particular business offered to inflict on you at least didn’t burn down your house or exfoliate your perineum with a belt sander.

The psychology of observance

Having a colleague, boss, sibling, parent, friend or other eyeball owner hover on one’s shoulder as one acts is typically considered an act of scrutiny by many and for good reason – there is an association between examination and confirmation of correctness. 

Alas, I have heard from many friends, family members and random people that I yell “your call will be recorded!” in the general direction of that the statement gives them pause – the idea of review and scrutiny can serve to demand some level of compliance to some arbitrary set of unspoken norms that are leveraged all too often.

And this is a problem.

Call recorded = victory

As this Arsehole has stated previously, one of your greatest assets is information. More specifically, as a customer you are in a position to expect that statements made to you are representative of the organisation you have engaged with and you can demand that such representations are executed.

There are two very recent examples that have served this Arsehole well on behalf of his Arseholly self and his family that reduce to a simple question.

Why are your customers paying for your company’s mistakes??!?

Example 1 – really?

My parents decided that they’d visit the UK before the island cut itself off from Europe for reasons that are best characterised as refusing to recognise that we’re all human beings and comprised of the same fucking stuff.

Alas, due to some changes being made by the airline that would carry my family from London to the US, the mile and status earn owed to my parents was hamfisted into oblivion in a fashion comparable to George Lucas’s insistence that Ewan McGregor surrender the ability to emote and act in Episode 2 and 3.

As I’m a completely reasonable human being I suggested that my Dad call the airline the mile and status earn was being credited to and inform them of the situation. The call boiled down to:

• Yes, we see that the fare has not been credited properly – we’ll fix it.
• Yes, your wife’s account will also be credited

Alas, only one of these things happened – there have now been multiple conversations with the people answering the calls we make, and they are ill-equipped to actually assist, regularly falling back on policy.

The moment a mention of “pull up the recording of my previous call” is mentioned, acquiescence comes more quickly than my cats do when my voice goes up by an octave.

The actual cunting fuck!?!

My parents decided that they’d fly north toward a den of boganality and my homeland’s bestest rollercoasters. As they’re not savages, they opted to fly at the front of the plane and upgrade with the multitude of point/mile earnings they’ve secured. Of importance in this example is the fact that the airline flown and the loyalty program involved are directly associated and promoted singularly.

Alas, this encouraged behaviour resulted in 2 of the 4 flights involved earning absolutely nothing in terms of points/miles and status recognition. When questioned, the response was:

• Yes, we know that there is an issue
• Yes, we will fix it

Alas, this did not happen:

• Multiple phone calls were required to ensure that the conditions of the fares purchased were honoured
• To date (15/Dec/2019), the promises of those conditions being honoured have not been fulfilled
• At each interaction, staff have attempted to cite policy in an attempt to refute their employer’s responsibilities

These examples serve as an archetypal basis for holding companies to account – staff are disempowered, stated expectations are discarded and indifference is expected.

To quote my dad, there’s a lot to be said about getting some cunt about you.

As much cunt as you get about you though, please don’t be an Arsehole.

This particular Arsehole and his family spent some time in the US in March 2018 and all hold Gold or higher status with Virgin Australia. This is meant to provide a few privileges:

• Access to lounges with Virgin Australia and their partners, including Delta
• A 75% bonus on points earned in Virgin Australia and Delta flights (100% if you’re a Platinum member, which this particular Arsehole is)
• Priority boarding and baggage
• Priority phone service from a specialised team of Virgin Australia staff

Unfortunately, the to-date smooth experience my family and I have enjoyed with Virgin Australia experienced turbulence:

• As if they were inflicting the “experience” of “flying” Jetstar upon themselves, my parents were denied access to the Delta SkyClub at Los Angeles International
• Even though Virgin Australia state that Velocity Gold members earn a 75% Points Bonus on all airfares on VA and DL tickets operated by either VA or DL, bonuses of a mere 37.5% were awarded.
• 12 days after completing the trans-Pacific leg of their journey, the earned points and status credits had not credited to my family’s accounts. At all.
• The Family Pooling arrangement between two of my family’s members was severed, but VA continued sweeping the points and status credits to the beneficiary anyway.

This particular Arsehole didn’t think this would be a problem, as the situation could be discussed with the skilled, customer-focused people that Gold and Platinum members get access to. Alas, this was not to be the case:

• Platinum members are now shunted into the same contact centres as everyone else.
• Basic mathematics was provably impossible for those tasked with addressing my concerns.
• The first response was seemingly written by someone that failed remedial high school English and was named Chan’tel by their evil, sadistic parents and contained a terrible turn of phrase:

I’m sorry that you feel that way

When a company states that they’re sorry that you “feel” a certain way, they have completely failed to comprehend the issue, let alone engage in acknowledgement, correction and making it right. I wrote back to Chan’tel Brit-tney L3a and stated the following:

• The stated concerns have not been addressed – please review the correspondence and correct this
• If a discussion is required, note that the aggrieved parties are currently on the US west coast

Things did not get better from this point.

We know where Ralph Wiggum went for work experience

At 11pm local time, my phone rang and a very insistent person calling themselves “Ignatius” decided that they would launch into telling me that the concerns my family and I had stated were wrong and that nothing needed to be done. This is an example of where preparation is the best possible weapon one has in such disputes:

• “Ignatius” attempted to ignore Virgin’s own earning charts
• “Ignatius” displayed a complete lack of awareness of prior correspondence beyond a highly-trivial extent

Most worryingly, and to my infinite horror, “Ignatius” didn’t understand my favourite C word!

In an act of defiance of this particular Arsehole, “Ignatius” sent me an e-mail summary of our conversation, if one applies the the term summary in this instance in the same way one applies “factual account” to Harry Potter.

At this point, this Arsehole was looking at inevitable defeat, with many wanting him to finally be put in his place.

To be continued.

 

Orlando is an amazing place. It’s warm, welcoming and hopelessly inefficient to the extent that a corporation run by a giant mouse has been given preferential treatment in an attempt to paper over all that is wrong with the port of entry.

Last year (2016 for those reading this in the future), this Arsehole decided to visit Orlando and visit many local attractions. Of course, much went wrong and this needed to be righted.

After flying in on Delta Airlines via the hub that connects the various cities, afterlives and inconveniences of most people, I was greeted with the worst possible arrival experience that someone could possibly anticipate. The signage upon arrival is limited, undifferentiated and directs all towards unending carpet corridors that afford wear to the wheels of one’s carry on, offense to one’s nostrils and unrelenting contamination and damage to the soles of one’s shoes.

I had afforded myself the luxury of having transportation from this airport to my accommodations organised well in advance of my arrival, however the poor organisation constructs and resultant choke points enabled by the designers of this particular point of entry resulted in the sequence of me getting to baggage collection at the same time as many other passengers on all of the other “traditional” US airline arrivals, seeing my bag take over 35 minutes past my arrival to get to collection and my very patient driver Matt still offering to happily take my bags and give me a bottle of Pepsi Max as requested.

The airport is a terrible, terrible place. By the time my bags had returned to my possession, aging had seen my sperm count drop more than Tony Abbott’s relevance.

Of course, this particular Arsehole cannot afford consideration to the transport providers that demand payment for carriage to this particular gaping maw. Thus, a letter was written:

Dear Delta,

Upon arrival at MCO, I was subjected to an onslaught of inefficiency, disorganisation and confusion of staff. After overcoming the presented obstacles I encountered a baggage collection area that promised delivery of my possessions whilst the previously-organised transportation agent patiently waited for my response to the SMS they had sent, generously expecting that the delay was attributable to the crowding present in the arrival area due to the poor operations of the airport in question.

I understand that Delta has no control over the specific operations of the airport, however the fees paid to the airport for my carriage were paid to Delta and I expect that consideration of the inconvenience I experienced and the additional cost imposed upon me due to the delays caused by the confusion that was enabled by overcrowding and poor scheduling will be appropriate.

Regards,

Arsehole

Delta are a wonderful airline!

Dear Arsehole,

Please take 25,000 SkyMiles by way of apology.

Love Delta

Victory!

There’s a wonderful word that works wonders when dealing with belligerent merchants who have failed to deliver. It’s a filthy, horrible word that is highly offensive, typically results in serious professional ramifications and will have multiple parties cursing your name in response.

That word is the following:

Chargeback

In every case where some company has refused to acknowledge issues they have caused, the mere utterance of this word results in near-immediate escalation and demonstration of empathy in most cases, or flat out offers of a full refund otherwise.

To understand why this is the case, there are a few facts that most cardholders aren’t aware of that need to be understood:

• Chargebacks are expensive for card issuers to handle – the process is still quite labour intensive and long-running
• Chargebacks are expensive for merchant banks to handle – the process is tedious and has high administrative overhead
• Chargebacks are extremely expensive for most merchants – the fees levied against merchants are very high (greater than $25 / chargeback in many cases) and result in transaction fees being “reviewed”.

For this reason, think long and hard before using something other than a Scheme Card (Visa/MasterCard/American Express/Discover/JCB/Diners Club) to pay for anything.

The first time I used this word, hilarity ensued….

 

There are many benefits to living in an apartment. Invites to parties are easy to come by, home-delivered entertainment in the form of door-to-door religionists is frequently provided and there’s quite often an exhibition of balcony coitus on display if your evening plans fall through.

There are, however, some downsides to this assortment of varied delights being so conveniently packaged. Between yourself and the various tradespeople who take care of things related to the building sits an ogre calling themselves a Building Manager. Often this person is actually very good at what they do, but this is not always the case.

Due to constant issues with the garage door on the property, the electronics that drove the door were replaced. As well as the motor the electronics controlled. As well as the door that the motor moved. All at once.

In response to this, the following delightful communication was sent by the Building Manager (who we shall call Bob) to all residents:

On the day of replacement, Theo from SomeDoorCompany will be present in the building from 4:45pm through 5:00pm to provide replacement door remotes. Please note, if you have model X of the remote currently, you do not require a replacement.

Lucky me! I was in possession of a model X remote so I didn’t need to hinder Theo in his quest of getting to the pub by 5:15! Bob had ensured that I could spend my Thursday afternoon at work whilst also ensuring he didn’t need to bother himself with considering the convenience of the people who paid his salary via exorbitant Body Corporate fees! Thanks Bob and Theo!

Little did I know that at both Theo and Bob were professional, fully-trained idiots.

Upon my next attempt to leave my abode in my metal chariot, my model X door remote was as effectual as a Taser at a hair removal salon – the lights turned on but the results were fury and disappointment as opposed to a clear avenue for excursion being revealed.

Thankfully SomeDoorCompany’s contact details were recorded on the wall near the impassable door, so I did what any reasonable person would do and called them. Lo and behold, Theo himself answered and began the most futile conversation I had that week to date:

UA: Hi! My remote no longer works with this new door. I’ve got a model X remote that matches the photo provided by Bob and was told in writing that it would work fine.

Theo: You must be using the remote wrong.

UA: The remote has one button. I am pressing it. How exactly is that using it incorrectly?

Theo: It must work. I tested them all before I gave them out. It’s not my fault you didn’t come collect a new remote.

UA: How exactly did you test the remote I’m holding Theo? It hasn’t been out of my possession for 2 years and this door has been here for less than 2 days. Did you break into my apartment? Do I need to call the police?

At this point, Theo begrudgingly admitted that there was a problem “with something” and that he would arrange for a remote to be made available to me via Bob. At this point a queue formed behind me, with several other residents discovering their model X remotes were also impotent despite promises made to the contrary. Thankfully Theo had provided details of how to manually open the door – he’d put a placard containing the super-secret, super-secure 2 digit override code in plain view of the public.

As Friday started, I realised that I didn’t particularly feel like being home and listening to the new neighbours knock their pot plants off their third floor balcony whilst attempting to imitate whatever pornography they had last streamed so I called Bob to get my hands on a new remote. At this point I discovered that, not only was Bob a professional idiot, he was quite an aggressive one as well!

UA: Hi! Theo told me he was going to pass along details so I could get my hands on a new remote, as the model X one I have does not work.

Bob: Yep, Theo told me about you. You should have just shown up and gotten a new remote. I’ve only got spares left so you’ll need to wait a week and pay $50 for a new one.

It’s your fault for thinking my instructions were accurate

Let’s just analyse that statement shall we? Paying thousands of dollars per year in Body Corporate fees, including payments into a fund dedicated to building improvements and maintenance and management fees that pay Bob’s salary entitles me to neither a replacement remote nor remotely competent instructions? At this point Bob was not my most favourite person in the world, to the extent that I would serve him $3 wine from Aldi and say he was drinking it wrong when he remarks it tastes like paint thinner.

Of course, I could only respond kindly to that brilliantly reasoned statement from Bob:

UA: Bob, I followed your instructions, I’ve paid my Body Corporate fees and I expect the door I am one of the owners of to open when I need it to. Where is the remote that was allocated to my property?

Bob: Mate, do you want to be able to open the fuckin’ door or what?

Profanity! Diversion! Impropriety! Advantage: Arsehole!

UA: I have made my expectations with regard to the door very clear. I have also made my expectations with regard to management of the property quite clear. Answer my questions, have a remote in my hand today delivered to my office or I shall have to act on the presented information indicating your company’s inability to perform the tasks you have agreed to undertake. If yourself and/or Theo have failed to keep records of who you dispensed replacements to and how many you gave to each property, you’ll need to sort that out – I’m not paying for it.

Bob: *assorted stuttering* Yes Mr Arsehole. I’ll have a remote to you today.

UA: Good. I’ll have a spare set of keys for the common doors whilst you’re at it.

2 hours later one of Bob’s colleagues showed up at my office with a remote that was neither a model X nor inoperative. I thought this was the end of this interlude and a victory. I was only partially right.

I received two letters the following week, both from Bob’s employer. The first was addressed to “The Resident”:

Theo and SomeDoorCompany will no longer be servicing our doors. SomeOtherDoorCompany will be taking over – new contact details have been placarded around the building.

The second, however, was actually addressed to me directly:

Bob has moved on from our Property Management practice. Reginald will now be handling all inquiries and has taken over Bob’s desk and mobile numbers.

Yep – victory!