The USA is a strange place

In my mythical, barely extant homeland of Australia, buying insurance is simple – it happens in but a few ways:

• One makes zero effort and calls their loan provider who offers to sell them an overpriced insurance product with the loan provider’s branding attached, exploiting the integrity of their brand whilst fucking over the customer and collecting a trailing commission
• One makes slightly more effort and signs up for whatever insurance their preferred supermarket chain provides whilst earning a Flybuys or Woolworths Rewards points multiplier and being fucked over whilst basking in the glow of a trusted brand that regularly asks their frontline employees only what level of grit they’d opt for in the lubricant about to be used as they bend over
• One uses a comparison service that offers “ease”, “promptness” and “online service” only to receive a phone call from someone who would much rather be out with their friends as they regret their choice to fill the role they’re in as they’re regularly asked to answer the “why” when the promises posited in the advertising blurb are not met
• One realises that basically every provider is underwritten by IAG or Allianz and goes direct to one of those sods

In the US, things are…different…

I’m calling to verify your information

This puzzles me greatly. I found a well-reviewed insurance comparison site and filled out a form that captured all of the following:

• The construction date of my house
• When my house last had a roof replacement (that’s another subject for a future post)
• My previous military service obligations
• Whether or not I’ve engaged in attempting to brainwash people in Africa on behalf of some bloke named Jebus (I wish I was joking)
• My personal particulars, including details that could be used to obtain credit in my name
• What particular activities I perform within my abode (they’ve all got a thing against my baking technique)
• Where the nearest fire hydrant is (if only there were a way to determine this via publicly available information…)

I am presented with a “Thank you” page.

Said page does not foreshadow that which is yet to come.

Immediately after hitting submit, before the confirmation page has finished rendering, the calls begin. My phone immediately started ringing. I’m told that the experience as I describe it is comparable to that of a female gamer entering an Xbox lobby and mentioning the fact that she is a vagoo owner.

The phone call is almost completely redundant given the form that has been filled out. It goes something like this:

• Hello, I’m an actual human person named Generic Human calling on a recorded line regarding your insurance inquiry.
• <Insert EVERY SINGLE QUESTION ALREADY ANSWERED> being asked again
• “Please wait whilst I connect you to our licensed agent”
• <Transfer to licensed agent goes to voicemail, or would if said voicemail inbox wasn’t full>
• <Call is terminated>
• <Repeat – multiple voicemail messages deposited during each answered call>

I thought that my multiple exposures to the above experience was some sort of apparition of ineptitude that was not common, but I was about to be very surprised.

And by surprised, I mean simultaneously disappointed and amused.

Let’s go direct…

So I tried going direct to a few insurance providers. Surely their digital presence would be better positioned to provide superior customer service than a comparison site seeking a trailing commission, right?

Right?

Oh how wrong I was!

There are three categories that the results of requesting an online quote for insurance fall into:

• Sorry, after filling out 10 different web forms we cannot offer you insurance for reasons we don’t think we should share with you. But we’ll continue to send e-mail advertisements to you, snail mail to your mailbox, and have humans call you demanding that you provide all of the same information again before handing you off to someone who asks the same set of questions before giving you the same “we can’t help you” response.
• Here’s our price for insuring your property – thanks for giving us enough personal data to frame you for importing Vegemite into Mexico. And then humans start calling one’s mobile phone, asking why one hasn’t accepted their quote and offering to go over the details again to uncover discounts that their online presence didn’t consider. When responding to said calls with, “This is a waste of my time – fix your web forms so they collect the additional information please”, the response is, “This will be worth your time!” When said time is invested and the price provided is still too high compared to my current option, no admission of incorrectness or compensation is offered.
• Thanks for providing all of your information – we cannot provide you with a quote online. Please call 1-888-FUK-YALL.

So going direct isn’t much better…

It gets worse

Here in the US, insurance isn’t typically sold by a company, but rather sold via an “agency” – someone who is a reseller. They basically take the customer service cost off the hands of the insurer, promising to be an advocate for those insured when working with those who provide insurance…even though their income is contingent on those providing the insurance. 

There’s a conflict of interest there, however I’ve tried explaining this to those who continue to call me and am convinced that there’s some reality distortion field involved here. I’ve attempted to obtain said field for my own evil purposes, however the requirements are akin to joining Amway and Scientology on the same day so I’ve opted to pass.

As I needed to ensure that my abode and automobile was insured, I acquiesced and obtained a policy, and then received some very strange calls.

• “How is your policy going? Any concerns?” – This is very strange, as no claims had been made, no price changes had occurred, and I had not requested any changes. 
• “Our agency owner would like a Zoom meeting with you to discuss your future needs and changes – when can we make that happen?” – this was a call that could have been an e-mail. When I asked for the specific asks to be made available via an e-mail, the gasp I heard was akin to that of a mother being told her son is lazy whilst said son is building a house for orphans with their bare hands.

And then there are those who did not win my business continuing to call or otherwise contact me:

• Three unanswered calls in the space of three minutes, followed by an SMS message stating, “UltimateArsehole?” – no details as to what they want to discuss.
• A voicemail left by another insurance agency, with the completely irrelevant words, “Hi, it’s Generic Human from Inept Insurer – call me!” – again, with no details
• E-mail messages with quotes that are far in excess of my current premiums (that were previously communicated), followed by phone calls demanding my time to “save money”

TL;DR – the insurance industry is broken

I have no idea how this can be so hard – as amusing as I find this set of ridiculousnesses, it has given me some ideas for new techniques…coming soon!